


the things under our skin

by starsfelldown



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou, Mutual Pining, Past Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Will add tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27997602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsfelldown/pseuds/starsfelldown
Summary: miya atsumu believes he's half-empty while his brother is half full. he's drawn to pretty things and people with kind smiles and soft lips. miya atsumu wants to be loved and fall in love more than anything else. he's become so torn and frayed trying to fit himself to the people around him but sakusa kiyoomi is more or less the same. they meet and are drawn instantly to one another. suddenly atsumu wants and yerns for the untouchable.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 55





	the things under our skin

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing fluff like disgustingly sweet fluff and halfway through i opened a new doc and started this. the story goes from when atsumu is a kid all the way to the black jackals. i don't have a beta reader so if there are mistakes well,,, lets hope i find them also don't expect too much from me or a regular upload schedule. there's also an indecent amount of indentions

being a twin is an odd thing. you’re stuck together even before you’re born and then pushed out into the world. things are scary and you don't know anything but at least you have your companion from the womb. one that looks exactly like you. the same nose, teeth, brows and build. you have your differences but that's what makes you, and not your twin. but atsumu and osamu miya are not at all alike. miya atsumu is brash and says things he whole heartily believes even if they aren't meant to be shared. he is loud and rambunctious while osamu is quiet and contemplative. the teachers respectfully tell their parents that atsumu is born from a devil and that osamu is the angel who was sent to keep him at bay. atsumu is built from rage and fire and his brother from stone and ice.

 _you and osamu are not identical,_ he tells himself. _you are symmetrical. same in size and shape, cut from the same cloth but not the same piece. very similar but not the same. hardly anything in nature is._

atsumu accepts early on that osamu got the best parts. osamu gets to rest with his dad in the shade after the three of them finished picking the harvest while atsumu runs to grab them some water. osamu gets to help his mom bake and atsumu gets help with the dishes. osamu gets to be liked and be the nice one while atsumu is loud and obnoxious. osamu gets to be stoic and brooding while atsumu is a headache and a nuisance. osamu is half full while atsumu is half empty.

atsumu figures he will just have to make do.

in middle school, atsumu has a mean streak. a lot of the kids don’t like him but he doesn’t mind. atsumu has volleyball and he has osamu.

volleyball he decides is going to be his long time love. he’ll grow old doing it. as long his body holds out and maybe then some.

he spends his days playing non-stop. he plays at home with osamu. once his brother is too tired and hungry he bounces the ball off the wall or sees how long he can keep the ball in the air. he spends an obsessive amount of time staring at a ball. the boys on the team think he's too serious. but they won't make it as far as the twins will.

osamu's good. he’s annoyingly good actually. he has an insane amount of raw talent but atsumu is more determined and dedicated which will pay off in the long run. but right now osamu hits all of his sets and plays like no one else. they're a great team. osamu doesn’t mind that atsumu speaks his mind. osamu doesn’t take it personally when he tells him his technique is off or that he’s not trying hard enough. atsumu pushes him because they'll go far. atsumu knows it.

so naively, atsumu assumes that the rest of the world would know and adapt to him as his brother has. that is obviously not the case.

"tsumu everyone hates you." osamu says, blunt and to the point as always. there is a bit of worry laced into his words, masked by a tone of apathy that would fool anyone else, but not atsumu.

he almost laughs at his twin. not being liked is old news to atsumu. but for some reason not for osamu.

"so?" atsumu says his mouth filled with rice because he couldn't care less. he had osamu and they were going to become the best of best. a killer combo that will go professional and make other teams shake with fear. they'll get on to the national team—the both of them. so what was it to him if his teammates from middle school didn't like him and thought that he took it all too seriously? they won't end up in a division 1 v league team. none of them will probably even get a chance to play on their high school team. they'll be warming the bench while the twins reach new heights. so atsumu shrugs again and continues with his flippant act because again who cares? but soon he would begin to care. maybe a little too much.

when osamu told him he’d make it his life mission to be nothing like him atsumu had thought he was exaggerating. osamu though began to make an effort with their teammates and of course, they flew to him like a moth to a flame. osamu was somehow born able to adapt quickly to any situation. he does so seamlessly and in a manner that makes him the star of the show even if he never intends to. osamu is the heat of a campfire, warm and inviting while atsumu is the smoke that fills your lungs and infests your clothes, and drives you away.

atsumu starts to spend more time alone. he runs with osamu at his side during warm-ups but somewhere along the lines, osamu gets pulled in with the other boys. they all goof around or practice their receives together while atsumu practices moves and comes up with plays the other kids couldn’t dream of nailing.

osamu becomes a mediator for him and the team. atsumu tries not to get mad when he take their side but it feels like a betrayal. he always assumed it would be osamu and him against the world. but he should have seen this coming. atsumu had always liked to keep osamu to himself. he felt like his twin was his better half in some way. they were always a pair. the good one and the bad one. osamu was always enough to make up for his shortcomings but he should have suspected that he couldn’t hide behind his brother forever. atsumu is thirteen and realizes that his brother and him are not a two head dragon but a prince and the dragon that has taken him hostage.

at fourteen, atsumu realizes he has no friends and he notices because osamu points it out to him. in front of everyone. it's cruel and it kinda makes atsumu want to die but instead, he punches osamu in the face. he's so angry his hands shake and he can't do anything but swing as hard as he can at osamu whose face is identical to his own. _you can kick and scream all you want but that doesn't make it any less true._ the team tries to break them apart but only after osamu wiggles his way out of it and gets some pretty good hits in. the fight is one of their worst. it's enough to break the skin on his knuckles and cause a gash on osamu’s cheek. atsumu's nose is gushing blood by the end of it and osamu has a black eye.

they’re suspended from club activities for a week and have a month of cleaning after school. osamu sighs as their parents lecture them on the way home. atsumu stares out the window as he bites the inside of his cheek in an attempt not to cry. the road to their house is bumpy and the sound of their father’s old pick up is loud enough to muffle his thoughts.

now he doesn’t osamu, friends, or volleyball.

once they're at home and the sun has fallen and the moon has risen they make amends. osamu is first to speak.

"i shouldn't have said that," osamu whispers from the top of the bunk.

he can hear the regret in his voice. it makes atsumu feel bad for some reason. what had atsumu done to make osamu say that?

"doesn't mean it isn't true." atsumu says back. his voice doesn't waver but tears involuntarily spill down his face. he's glad osamu can't see him.

"doesn't matter. doesn't make it right."

they make up because they always do but this time atsumu knows that osamu's love isn't one hundred percent unconditional. that if atsumu tried he could really drive him away. it makes atsumu restless and he stays home from school the next day with a migraine and a sore lip.

the team seems to walk eggshells around him after that. they all feel bad for him instead of hating him. atsumu doesn't know which he hates more. yet they still don't include him like they do with osamu but glance at him as if they were trying to find out the best way to comfort him after a traumatic event. atsumu wishes they'd forget about him altogether.

at fifteen atsumu falls in love for the first time the same way everybody does. it feels as infantile as blowing bubbles and also like he's carrying enough of those bubbles in his stomach for him to float off into the air and it's all because of ojiro aran. it happens through walks to the convenience store after school and the sound of his laughter. had aran always had that infectious laugh? had aran always been so cool? had atsumu always burst into flames when aran patted his head and told him how good he was at volleyball?

had aran always been so nice to him? part of atsumu thinks aran is only his friend out of pity. aran could have heard about the twin's fight and felt the need to reach out. though aran was never mean to atsumu. he was older than the twins so tended to hang out with the kids of his age group. now aran was a high school and he helped atsumu with his classic literature homework when osamu wouldn't. he didn't have to do that. atsumu felt giddy at the thought of being friends with a cool high schooler.

"fine! since you won't help me i'll just go ask aran to."

"you just want an excuse to see him." osamu says as he lights some page in his textbook.

atsumu had paused. "shut up samu." he stumbles out as his cheeks turned pink.

aran sometimes lets atsumu practice with him at the high school gym. the sounds of the volleyball slamming on the floor and the smell of meat buns aran would buy him afterward made atsumu's stomach flutter. then they would walk home together. aran with a strong arm slung atsumu's shoulder and his deep voice asking about his day. atsumu would talk and talk on and on and aran would listen. really listen.

atsumu thinks aran looks the best at sunset. the rays of the sun filtering through the branches of trees, casting shadows at their feet and making the yellowing leaves transparent. their own shadows grow long as they walk. their laughs loud enough to fill the fields. the orange sky illuminating aran's smooth and radiant skin, his mouth always tilted up into a grin, and skin warm and pressed slightly into atsumu's own. it made atsumu's insides twist with wonder.

a couple of months before the twins enter high school aran introduces atsumu to his girlfriend. her name never really sticks but atsumu remembers thinking how lovely her black hair had been and how long her pale legs had looked in her pleated skirt. aran throws an arm around her and smiles brighter than atsumu had seen him done before. his insides twisted with something ugly and foul.

when atsumu gets home he cries so long that osamu is scared he'll pass out but he can't help it. suddenly atsumu feels too much. he can't stop crying and it's hard to breathe. he feels and feels and nothing makes sense.

osamu panics and shoves him fully clothed in the tub and turns ont the cold water. he sprays him until atsumu has calmed down. he feels like an animal but the weight on his chest has lifted. osamu sits next to him after wrapping him in a towel and provides a shoulder to cry on but at that point, atsumu has no tears left.

the first year of high school feels like a fresh start for the twins. atsumu's once dark hair is now an odd shade of gold and osamu's is a muted silver. they'd also spent the break helping their dad around with the farm causing them to bulk up. they both grew a hefty amount over the break as well with stretch marks on the backs of their knees and hips to prove it. as for personal milestones, atsumu has finally gotten over his crush on aran and accepted that nothing could ever come of it. and he's okay with just being friends with him. he has no other choice.

atsumu and osamu aren't in the same homeroom. because of this atsumu has also grown much quieter. he mostly keeps to himself and only picks fights when confronted. he thinks its best this way. stay quiet and only speak when spoken to. people seem to like this better. people like him better when he's quiet.

after a month atsumu somehow makes friends with the new kid named suna. he's tall and lanky and wears eyeliner and black nail polish. he's quiet and the first thing he asks atsumu is if osamu is his boyfriend.

"he's my twin ya weirdo!" atsumu yells. "we have the same face! how could ya not notice?!"

"that's not true." suna said to him. "you guys don't really look anything alike. you're ugly while your brother is good looking."

atsumu thinks he's weird. suna thinks atsumu is fun to mess with. they somehow make do.

as for samu, things go more or less the same. but now people seem to crowd him even more. girls confess to him regularly and guys hang off his shoulder as if they'd been friends for years. samu even goes on a couple of dates. he assimilates into their new team pretty well. they fall back into a similar routine; atsumu hangs around with the others and bounces back to atsumu when he sees him standing alone. this time though suna is there to keep him company when osamu is not.

osamu for some reason claims to hate suna. always complains when atsumu brings him home and camps out in the living room instead of joining them in their bedroom. atsumu thinks it's weird. for someone who made it their life's mission to be nicer than atsumu he sure is rude. osamu stares daggers at the back of suna's head and follows his every move and suna pretends not to notice.

atsumu is confused by this because he thinks suna's cool. he doesn't mind that atsumu has bad days and is a bit mean sometimes. suna can be mean too but he's never downright hurtful. suna hides his kind heart behind jabs and elbows to the ribs. he's strange and reads weird manga and watches movies with nasty gore. he knows how to read tarot cards and thinks his fancy rocks give off energy and that the moon should be consulted before making important decisions. atsumu doesn't quite believe in all that but lets suna paint his toes and tell him his horoscope anyway.

by the end of the year, atsumu finds himself for the second time in the grasps of love but this time it feels less like falling and more like a collision.

atsumu had never really noticed kita shinsuke. mostly because he tried his best not to notice aran and the pair were always together but he couldn't ignore him forever. he hangs out with two and suddenly atsumu can't breathe because kita is heartbreakingly beautiful with a voice so smooth and deep that it runs a shiver down his spine every time he hears it. he is also smaller than atsumu and wears big comfy jackets during the winter that make him look like a marshmallow. his nose peaks out from the top of his scarf and it's frozen red the same way it happens to his hands so they stay in gloves most of the season.

one day kita takes atsumu's hands after a late practice and rubs lotion into them. atsumu feels his face flush and heart race. kita's hands are soft and his nails neat and clean. "you should take better care of your hands atsumu." he says, his voice small yet strong and filling the entirety of the locker room. his eyelashes curled upward and resting on the tops of his cheeks as he rubs atsumu's hands with the cucumber scented cream. "treat them like you would treat the person you love: tend to them and let them know how much you appreciate them. they'll take you far."

atsumu doesn't know what overcomes him but he kisses kita then. spontaneous and filled with adrenaline. he waits for the fist that never comes and is met with a push of lips instead. kita kisses him back. it's his first kiss and atsumu doesn't know what he's doing but he feels hot all over and so desperately wants more. atsumu opens his mouth and heart to the older boy letting him do with him any way he pleases. but kita pulls away, though he's breathless and flustered by atsumu's curious hands, he tells him that he isn't offering atsumu more than a mouth and a body to roam. atsumu nods, dazed and wanton, and agrees as he let his hands slide up kita's shirt. kita moans into his ear and atsumu feels himself fall deeper and deeper.

atsumu and kita keep it a secret. he's pretty sure osamu knows and pretends not to. suna might know but doesn't care enough to bring it up.

they spend a good amount of time like this. atsumu promising kita he understands they'll only ever be friends and kita pretending to believe him. but they never say much when they're pressed together against lockers, in closets, and in kita's bedroom so there's not much room for error. they mostly let their eyes and hands speak for them.

atsumu holds onto the shred of hope that kita will change his mind.

though kita is stern, he's also very caring. he sometimes packs extra food so he can share with atsumu because he knows suna and osamu eat fast and pick at his lunch when they're finished. kita even invites him over to study and watch movies sometimes.

kita has also never shies away from telling atsumu how attractive he thinks he is. he often pants it into atsumu's mouth or onto his neck or groans it into his ear. which was new for atsumu. well not entirely. atsumu knew, objectively he was good-looking, and since he'd buckled down people have begun to show more interest in him. but none of them know atsumu for the monster he can be. kita knows him in bits in pieces. kita knows how annoying and blunt he can get and still lets atsumu stick around. that was new and it gave atsumu hope. maybe kita's soft hands and even softer lips could stay on him forever, as long as he treated him right.

atsumu tries really hard to mold himself into what kita wants. he tries to be more mature and attentive. he does his best not to pick fights with osamu and clean his area to kitas' liking. he gifts kita teas and snacks like aran had done for him back when he was fifteen. kita smiles when the younger approaches him with a convenience store bag in hand. _thank you atsumu_ he smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

the couch decides to have a short training camp. it lasts three days and two nights. on the second night, kita sneaks him away. they end up in an empty storage room surrounded by mops and rags. atsumu feels his whole body vibrate with anticipation. he thinks kita will give him his first blowjob. he has the picture already cemented in the back of his head. kita taking him into his warm wet mouth and swallowing around him. atsumu steps forward to kiss him but kita puts a hand on his chest to stop him.

"atsumu we can't keep doing this." atsumu goes cold and his hearing gets muffled. he looks down at the floor as kita breaks off their arrangement. atsumu can't really hear kita but the more he talks the more it sends him into a spiral.

 _but i love you. i cherished you. i folded pieces of myself to fit perfectly to you._ "am i not enough?" atsumu wonders out loud.

"atsumu that isn't the problem here." kita says softly. "you like someone who isn't me and you're too attached to that person. atsumu do you know that i don't even like green tea? or sweet bread and candies. or that i'm allergic to almonds?"

"what? then why do you eat and drink all that stuff when i buy it for you."

"because you bought it for me and it would be rude not to. except for the almonds. i gave those to ren." kita says as atsumu feels his body burst into flames. "i don't want this to affect the team. i still care for you atsumu maybe not in the way you want me to but i do. i just don't think what we're doing is good for you."

"i understand." atsumu nods.

with one last kiss to the cheek, kita walks away. an hour later osamu comes and picks up his pieces once again. he cries less this time and instead feels numb. he almost doesn't feel the cold spray of water when samu shoves him into one of the locker room's shower stalls.

"samu," atsumu calls as his body starts to catch with him. his chest caving in, the weight of it overwhelming and knocking the wind out of him. atsumu thinks at any moment he'll collapse. "i think i've developed a habit of falling in love with anyone who is remotely nice to me. why do you think that is?"

osamu peals the wet shirt off his skin and wraps him in a fluffy towel instead. he does the same to his pants and pulls him up from the tiled floor.

"probably because you think it won't happen again." osamu says as he shuts the curtain so atsumu can feel less exposed physically than he is already emotionally. "so you probably grasp onto it whenever you can."

"yeah." atsumu says as he swallows the lump in his throat. "maybe that's it."

his crush on kita takes longer to get over than with aran. aran had just been a childhood crush that developed because he'd been shown a bit of attention from an attractive older boy. while atsumu had weaseled his way in with aran, kita had left the door open for him and invited him in. he'd indulged atsumu. kita had been nice to him and cared for him. kita had let atsumu touch him and caressed his soul. kita had whispered atsumu's name like a promise. the worst of all is that kita wouldn't be going anywhere. he would be stuck with him for the rest of the year and then another.

kita had made an effort in involving atsumu with the team. he'd invite him when they'd all go eat and was a big part of atsumu's integration to the team. now everything felt odd. now it felt like he was on kita's team with kita's teammates instead of his own.

he was back to having only osamu and suna. but somehow in the midst of being so enraptured by kita the pair had gotten well acquainted. sometimes he would come home and find suna and his brother lounging in the living room or playing video games at their desk. osamu had even started wearing a crystal necklace suna made him, similar to the bracelet he had given atsumu.

it was weird to be around them now. osamu stuck in suna's orbit and suna rotating around his brother. atsumu watches them and it's more nauseating than it is surprising when he walks in on them shirtless and breathless. osamu and atsumu's eyes meet and they still. suddenly atsumu remembers the shame he felt when osamu told him he was friendless. he imagines that runs through osamu's mind as well. his brother turns a deeper shade of red and begins to stumble on his words.

"oh my god atsumu get out!" osamu yells throwing a shoe at the door to close it shut.

atsumu hears suna laugh and then groans, probably because osamu elbows him. atsumu decides to go outside and practice with the wall. he watches the white ball, his eyes following it and his mind focused on nothing else.

suna comes over to see atsumu still but osamu always ends up in the room. whether it's just to bring suna a cup of tea or a snack he cooked up. somewhere along the way his brother ends up pressed against the taller boy's side. atsumu can't blame him. can't even be mad. well, he could be if osamu didn't look so damn happy when suna showed him any bit of attention.

the one friend atsumu had somehow managed to make osamu has managed to fall in love with and call his own.

during practice the next day the coach lines them up. he announces that they're very own miya atsumu is invited to the all-japan youth intensive training camp. he's the only one from his team that gets the invite. not even samu gets one. atsumu feels smug. in the end atsumu still has volleyball.

**Author's Note:**

> omi isn't in this chapter but the next. this one is just to establish the underlying trauma :)


End file.
